so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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