I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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