note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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