I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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