There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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