I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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