if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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