I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
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I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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