oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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