Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
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She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
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He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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