stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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