trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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