Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize