how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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