her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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