She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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