Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
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Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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