im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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