I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
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Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
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But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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