I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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