god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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