just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
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I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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