the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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