Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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