You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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