My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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