I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
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It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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