Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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