the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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