ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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