Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize