He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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