i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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