i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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