I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
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he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
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Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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