The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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