I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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