so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
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You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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