Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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