Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize