My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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