Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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