she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
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I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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