Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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