I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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