He asked to "fluff my boner.."
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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