I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
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Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We're too hungover to prance.
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like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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