Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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