Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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