Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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